


Holding On For Tonight

by hotcoconut



Series: Let The River Run Wild [2]
Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Addicted Ellie, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Bartenders, Bullying, Drug Use, F/F, Heavy Angst, I don't know, Maybe - Freeform, Minor Ellie/Riley (The Last of Us), Past Rape/Non-con, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, but everything will get better, oops spoilers, title from Sia's song
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:34:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27582796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotcoconut/pseuds/hotcoconut
Summary: During the day, Dina was a Pharmacy’s student. During the night, she worked as a bartender on Moon Flower, the most popular bar of the city.During the day, Ellie was an Art’s student. During the night, she would sometimes play the guitar in some bars to make small money so she could afford her drug’s addiction.Dina knew some random girl was always drugged behind the bar she worked, and Ellie knew some random bartender would always look after her. Neither knew who they were.Until Dina stepped closer on a rainy day.or the one in which dina discovers her friend's addiction and unavoidably falls in love as she tries to bring the best out of ellie.Part 2 of Let The River Run Wild.
Relationships: Dina & Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina & Jesse (The Last Of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Jesse (The Last of Us), Ellie & Jesse (The Last of Us), Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us)
Series: Let The River Run Wild [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2053866
Comments: 20
Kudos: 94





	1. kerosene in my hands

**Author's Note:**

> So I excluded the first version of this, and now I'm bringing you a best version. Hope you'll like the same if not more. Thank you <3

Ellie's earbuds were so high she couldn't listen to anything else than Lana del Rey's voice, ignoring everything and everyone that passed through her on the streets and didn't  _ see  _ her. Her bun was loose and low on her head, her nose pink from the cold and her eyes sharp as a blade while the girl walked on her way back home. Hands on her hoodie's pocket, jeans almost falling from her hips as it was way larger than when the girl bought it, Ellie walked with her head up, staring at anyone who would stare at her first. 

The girl could smell rain and wet land on her nose, and to close her eyes and imagine home would hurt her so, therefore she kept her eyes full open, staring at the grey sky, ignoring her bright eyes's pain because of that. 

She didn't want to think about home. She didn't want to remember all kind of madness and sadness that it always brought to her, and just having her mind towards the word  _ home  _ was bringing the girl's eyes tears. Trying to mascare her feelings, she swallowed drily and fastened her steps, closing her hands into fists as she walked to the hostel she lived in. 

By the time the girl got to her house's gates, raindrops were falling into her head, the wind with nature's smell blowing her mind away from the day, leading her back to the days her mother would make her dinner and put her to bed, singing lullabies before Ellie's huge eyes would weight, finally reaching sleep. 

She missed her mom. She missed everything, even the screams Anna would give when she was so mad Ellie hide in the closet, scared to be found and hurt. She missed her momma's pizzas, and the big star in the top of the christmas tree. She also missed the smell of cake their house would have when she got home after a nice day at the kid's yard. 

"Ellie?" someone got her out of her thoughts, a black umbrella over their head. It wasn't only drizzling now, it was almost pouring rain. Ellie was soaked, her hair dripping and her clothes wet from the water washed over her, falling from the skies. She was still holding onto the gates when the person got to her, pulling her out of her mind. Fuck, she was lost in time again? This someone who brought her back to reality was Jesse, her bestfriend and one of the young adults she was living with in the hostel. The asian featured guy was looking at her with concern in his eyes, and Ellie felt uncomfortable under his gaze. Was he pity for her? Because she didn't want anyone's pity. 

"Hey, let's get in." 

When they got in, Ellie ran to her room, which she divided with Nora, a girl from Salt Lake City with kind eyes and smooth black skin. Ellie got undressed, running into the bathroom with fast feet only to look at herself in the mirror and stop everything she was doing, disgusted by her own reflection. She fucking  _ hated  _ herself. All that scars, all that stains on her chest, on her stomach, on her thights. She fucking hated how the needles left small white scars on her elbows, and how the puple bags under her eyes were much darker than last week. She hated the scars on her wrists, how they made her feel ashamed of herself when she should be proud for surviving.  _ I'm still dealing with this, for fuck's sake. I'm not over it yet.  _

Pissed off by her body and weak mind, the girl did the only thing she could think doing would solve her pain - the blade under the sink, a small place neither Nora nor Marlene would find. The last thing she needed was some random person telling her how punishing herself was wrong, like she didn't know all that bullshit people who never tried self-harming said. 

The girl cut her right shoulder open, this time. Her wrists were so full of fresh scars it ached, some new marks in it still closing. Somebody could notice, so she just made it on her shoulder, since it hurt the same, but in a different, secret place. She then, with blood on her fingers, washed the small blade and hide it again, going into the showers and shivering as the water cleaned all her impurities. 

"You need to go slower, Ellie" Manny slapped her hand when she tried taking another pill of her meds. Antidepressives weren't exactly drugs, but they did enough so the girl was a little lighter during the days she hadn't coke with her. Manny was someone with contacts, and he would always call Ellie when he got the pills she liked the most. Or coke, the girl was growing addicted to it every day that passed, what was getting out of her hands again. 

"This is shit garbage", the girl said in a hoarse voice, her eyes heavy. "I can't even get high with this shit." 

"They do their work, you can't take 4 pills at a time" Manny told her, his bun high in his oval head. He had concern in his eyes, though he was the one that first gave Ellie pills. Why was he acting like he cared, anyway? 

"Why can't I?" she asked as a laugh came out of her mouth, her head heavy and her feelings dizzy. Fuck, she was sleepy. 

"Do you want to overdose?" Manny questioned in a low voice, knowing they could drag cops attention if they were talking too loud. The alley was in the back of some random bar Ellie never went to, but cops weren't there most of times. Ellie and Manny never saw them, at least. 

"It wouldn't be that bad, would it?" she answered in a lazy voice, rubbing her eyes as if trying to rub sleep away. It was dark, and moon was full on the sky, stars shinning bright that night. Nobody in Marlene's hostel would think Ellie, the girl in love with the moon, would be four blocks away, trying to get high in antidepressives and giving herself reasons to die younger than 25. 

Manny rolled his eyes at the girl, giving her a last pill before he turned his back and walked away, disappearing of the alley like he was never there before. Ellie, that swallowed the pill drily, rested her shoulder on a humid wall from the drizzling that fell before she left her room on the pension. The girl suddenly was laughing, and laughing so bad her lungs were hurting.  _ Fuck, what's on with me, man?  _

She rested her temple on the wall as she laughed her mouth out, trying to make it not so loud as it was, when she felt someone looking at her. Ellie turned her head and her eyes fell on a thin girl in the beginning of the alley, a bread in her hands and her eyes on Ellie, as if she was disgusted by this girl. 

_ Who is she?,  _ but before Ellie could even ask who she was and why was she staring, the girl turned her back to the alley and entered the bar. 

Ellie's brows frowned, and her eyes found the moon last than a second later. Fuck, she needed to go home before someone noticed she was gone or Nora came back from work. She couldn't have anyone asking where she was, and why she was so out of her mind as she was right then. 


	2. what could I do to change your mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy!

Dina was trying to focus on her work as she washed the dishes and made small talk to her colleague, but her mind kept going back to the person she saw minutes prior on the alley, laughing as if nothing bad was happening in the world, and then she noticed the crucial fact - the person was drugged. It was a girl, she thought. Looked like a girl, a slim and pale girl, with short brown hair, put up on a high ponytail. Dina knew about the addicted that would surround the back of the bar in the middle of the night, she sometimes would hear one of them begging her money or drugs, asking for coke, pills or whatever, drugged enough they couldn't even notice she wasn't one of them. 

And this girl wasn't a little different, even if she never asked anything to Dina. The raven-haired girl was caught staring at her, judging her and wishing she would feel ashamed of herself, but this girl only walked away. It was the second time she would see this chick standing in the back of the alley, pulling over into the walls so she could sustain herself up to her feet. It was, though, the first time the girl would notice her. 

Dina shook herself out of thoughts, trying to bring herself back to the sink in front of her, too many dishes of too many white fat men, making her very uncomfortable as she washed it. Dina had a very difficult personality when she wanted, making everything so hard not only to herself, but for everybody. And doing the dishes always made her really mad, so this was one of the nights she was angry. Not only because of the dishes, nevertheless because of the addicted chick and all the damage she was doing to herself and to nature. Why do young adults always have this need of doing shitty things they will end up regretting for the rest of their lives? 

"Dina, babe, it's getting late. You should go home", her superior said, resting her hand on the girl's shoulder. The older woman smiled at the younger, squeezing her and turning back to the beer's machine. Dina was aware Delilah was sending her home earlier because of her bad humor, and that made he brunette thankful, though. More time to rest for the next day, a day full of Pharmacy's classes and all the shit her college had, to make her a good nurse or g-d knows what. 

Dina said her goodbyes and went home, feeling cold from the drizzling from before, crossing her arms over her chest as she walked on her way, trying to make her body warm. By the time she got to her house's gates, she looked at the moon and it's whiteness brightening the dark place Earth was during the nights. With her whole heart, Dina wished she wasn't just a little girl when her father had the drug's problem that took his life. And she would never admit, but in the back of her mind, she wished she could help the girl from the alley, be the light she probably needed in the dark night she was constantly living in. 

Dina closed the door behind her, leaving all the problems of the streets in the streets.

Dina sometimes had lunch in D&D, the cafeteria of the University, and sometimes she would walk almost a mile to reach the mall. They had an asian restaurant, people couldn't blame her for liking this kind of food. But March 7th was a rainy day, so Dina decided it wasn't worth the effort to reach the mall when she could have lunch in D&D and stay dry. 

The brunette entered the restaurant, wallet in one hand and eyes searching for some of her friends, so she wouldn't have to stay alone. Dina was a kind of popular girl, she always had someone with her and everybody liked her too, resulting in a lot of followers on social media, however being popular didn't mean she likes everyone that liked her. That was the case with Cat, a japanese girl that was sitting with her friends in D&D that day. 

"Hey, guys, can I sit here?" Dina asked, trying to ignore Cat's presence. The asian girl smiled at her as the other 2 did, going to the side so she would open some space to Dina. 

"D, me and Ellie are betting if Mr. Tyler will ask Mrs. Guiche to go out or not", Jesse said in an animated voice, playing with the card the restaurant gives to everybody that comes in.

"I still don't get how you'll know", Cat affirmed, crossing her arms over her flat chest. Dina tried not to roll her eyes, irritated only by the girl's voice. She then looked at Jesse and Ellie, who were sitting side by side, both looking at her in expectation. 

Ellie shook her head, rubbing the back of her neck and blushing as she looked at Cat. "I'll, uh, I will ask him tomorrow." 

"Ellie, you can't!" Cat exclaimed, but she was laughing. "You can't have more problems with more teachers, you'll get killed!" 

Dina didn't understand why Ellie was always blushing towards Cat when their relationship was already over. Ellie broke up with her, so she wasn't supposed to be blushing and nervous about Cat all the time, was she? Dina furrowed her brows, knowing very well that if Williams gave another chance to Cat, the asian girl would take it easily. 

"What are you having for lunch?" Dina asked Jesse. She sometimes wondered if he still wanted to be her boyfriend, as he asked her but she turned him down weeks prior. She really liked Jesse, but he was so kiddish and a big baby she didn't know if she could be with him. His need for attention the whole time pissed her off constantly, he was just like a child. She didn't want children in her life, not then.

"I asked for some cheeseburgers", and just as he answered, the waitress came to their table, asking what Dina would have and giving Ellie her chocolate milkshake. Dina wasn't bestfriends with Ellie, in fact she only knew the girl because of Jesse, but they grew closer enough she would let herself care for the girl. So she really hoped a milkshake wasn't her lunch. 

"I want a portion of fried chicken finger, please", Dina said moments before the waitress took her note and walked away, so the girl was free to turn herself in Ellie's direction, staring at the redhead with furrowed brows. "Ellie. Is this your whole lunch?" 

Ellie's eyes fell on Dina, and the brunette felt a goosebump on her spine. Ellie was a cool girl with a lovely appearance, round green eyes and full red lips, freckles all over her face and a thin scar over her right eyebrow, however Dina never understood Ellie's power over her. She liked the girl, a lot to be real, but only because they were friends. It wasn't like Dina felt something more for her, right? 

Dina always searched for the right answers to her questions. It was obvious the answer for her last question, but she preferred not to see it. She didn't want to feel something else for Ellie, nor for anyone, so she would very often ignore all these goosebumps and dry mouths or fast heartbeats she felt towards Ellie. Still, it was impossible for her not to feel hot when Ellie's mouth found the pink straw in the milkshake cup. 

"Yeah, I guess. Why?" 

Dina was ready to open her mouth and answer, her brain working twice as hard as it just blacked out when she heard the answer from Ellie, when Cat answered for her. "I guess we are all worried you'll starve to death." 

_ Why does she always need to have death in her sentences?  _ Dina wanted to strangle the girl for ruining her moment with Ellie. Like, who the fuck she thought she was? 

"Guys", Ellie crossed her arms over her lap, eyes jumping from Dina to the other 2 people in the table. "I won't starve, I promise. I just had a very fat and full of nutrients breakfast, yep?" 

"Yeah, we bet", Jesse said in a low voice, knowing Ellie was lying. The pale girl blushed, smiling uncomfortable. 

"I'm serious. I'm not hungry", she answered, her eyes heavy of something Dina didn't understand. 

"When you are, anyway", Cat had the same opinion that Jesse had, so. Dina couldn't say anything, though, because their lunch arrived and the talk changed, leaving Ellie alone with her milkshake. But, sometimes, Dina would glance at her, still worried about her health. Was it that bad like Jesse and Cat were making it appear it was? 


	3. I cut off my nose just to spite my face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contain heavy angst. Please, don't read it if you're gonna feel bad later.

Nora was in the room when Ellie decided to take a shower, so she shouldn’t take too long in the bathroom, since her roommate was supposed to be on her way to the library where she worked by 7 p.m. and it was already 6:05 p.m. Ellie turned the shower on and took her clothes off, looking at the blurry mirror behind the sink with heavy eyes, thankful she couldn’t see all the scars on her chest and arms as only her back was on display to her eyes.  _ Fuck,  _ she thought to herself, stepping into the shower’s box.  _ I’m too skinny, I can see the ribs on my back.  _

She couldn’t find it in herself to care, though, thus she just stepped into the water and let it take good care of her, as she knew it always did. 

She remembered the callendar over the refrigerator. She remembered her mother would always scratch it at night, telling Ellie her birthday was closer than the last day, a bright and big smile on her face, her red hair up in a loose bun. The small girl would hang to her mother’s leg and kiss her on the face when pulled up by the mom’s arms, her 4-years-old memory way too lost so she could remember all the details or colors of the kitchen’s walls. 

Ellie hated these small memories she still had of her mother with the same intensity she leaned on them when she needed comfort and Joel wasn’t there anymore. She loved her mother with her whole heart, but she also blamed the woman for all the shitty things that happened in her early life. She blamed Anna for letting David lay his hands on her daughter, she blamed Anna for taking her own life and for introducing Ellie to the drugs. 

She couldn’t blame her for everything, though. She couldn’t blame Anna if she was growing addicted everyday, even if it was, yes, her mother’s fault she was first introduced to LSD or coke. She should not blame Anna if she hated men’s hands touching her, because it was what took her mother’s life - knowing her boyfriend hurted her little girl. She would not blame Anna if she was the one with mental problems now. 

Ellie was confused. She hated and loved her mother. She feared and missed her mother. Sometimes when she was high, she would think if her mother would be disappointed in her. And, when she came back to consciousness, she would be ashamed of herself for wondering what her mother would think when she was already dead. Killed by a fucking overdose, what a fucking sad ending. She should wonder what Joel would say, what Joel would think, when he loved her so much and she was killing herself slowly. 

_ I should try for him,  _ she thought every time fault would be too overwhelming. So overwhelming the girl would cry so much her feets took her to the bathroom and her hands searched for the blade without even realizing it. Self-harming always made it better, but worse at the same time. How could be feelings so fucking confused?

Ellie doubted she would ever know the answer, so she would always end up laying in a big bed, naked with some random girl above her, methamphetamine in her veins. 

“Ellie?” Jesse knocked on her door on a Monday’s night, startling the girl. Ellie sat on her bed, eyes checking if none of her pills were on the floor or in display, and went to the door, opening only a crack of it, enough Jesse could see her and she could see him. The boy was wearing a nice white t-shirt and a black jeans with too many pockets, clothes he would only wear when he went out. “Hey, are you ok?” 

The girl was suddenly very aware of her sloppy red eyes, more from the crying than from pills or whatever, since she was only taking benzodiazepine so she could forget her mother and Joel and all that shitty pain and fault for a second and breathe. But she only nodded, putting a hand on her face and squeezing her nose. “Yep, I’m fine. Are you going out?” 

“Uhh, yeah. Me, Cat and Olly wanted to know if you want to come with us to Moon Flower? Dina works there”, the asian-featured boy asked, putting his hands on his hips and waiting for the answer. 

Ellie’s eyes widened. Fuck, it was Monday and they were going to Moon Flower? What if that happened a day after, when she jumped through her window to go meet Manny in the back of the bar? Fuck, fuck, fuck, what if they discovered her addiction? Marlene would kick her out of her hostel and Joel would be aware of it, too. She didn’t need anyone pissed at her for being a drugged girl, and didn’t need nannies too. 

“Uh, I think I can go, yeah”, she gave Jesse a positive answer before she could think of anything else, and closed the door less than a second after, her head starting to hurt from the pills. Fuck, she should get dressed, now that she was supposely going out with her friends. At least she was going to see Dina, wasn’t she? 

_ Dina _ , she thought as she changed her clothes to the clothes she would always wear when she went to the bars to make small money to afford her drugs without Joel suspecting on her,  _ Dina is a nice girl. She has beautiful eyes and a bright smile. I like her. She’s fine.  _

Fine wasn’t a good word for Dina, Ellie would say. Dina was yellow, and yellow people were sun-kissed, bright and warm. They always made it clear they wanted to help, and were really there when you fell, not just watching or laughing, but trying to help. Ellie didn’t like help, but she wouldn’t reject Dina’s if she offered it to the younger. No, Dina was way more than just ‘fine’. She was the whole alphabet, a fucking ‘amazing’. 

_ Yeah _ , she stepped into the bathroom, throwing water on her face so she could see better and appear more clean than she was to her friends.  _ Yeah, at least I’ll see Dina. _


	4. who are we mistaken?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm happy, cause today's my birthday lmao
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Dina got that day of work very exhausted. It was only a Monday, but she already wanted to go home and spend the rest of the week hidden under her blankets, too tired to go to the bar where she worked. Her parents' fights were drawing all her energies, and she really needed to buy her own apartment if she wanted to finally have some peace and privacity - truth be told, she was gathering money since her 17 anniversary, when she started to work. It was almost enough so she could buy a nice kitchenette and don’t own her parents any explanation. 

“Hey, Dina!” Nancy’s voice surprised the girl, making her jump and look with widened eyes to the blonde girl. Nancy was a 21-years-old girl that was living in Boston since last year, as she told Dina one time, and she was craving to study at the University of Boston, graduating on Physics or something like that. She had a nice appearance, and almost all the men that came to the bar would try to ask her out, but the young girl would just twinkle at them and never give an answer. “Dina, someone has a surprise for you”, the blonde sent her a kiss in the air before disappearing behind the wall that led to the outside of the kitchen. 

_ Someone has a surprise for me? What the fuck.  _ The brunette went to where her colleague was first, and in the exact moment she came outside the staff area, she saw the surprise. Jesse and Cat were sitting in the bar, a cup with a white liquid between them both.  _ Hah, they’re my surprise?  _

Dina decided she could bear Cat’s presence if that meant having Jesse towards her. Their romance could be over, but they were still friends and sometimes lovers, having sex without any commitment, what made the brunette really happy to have him by her side when she needed or he needed. They were just… making out? And she really liked Jesse, but just not  _ that  _ way. 

“What a nice surprise!” she called out to the duo. Jesse turned to look at her, his hands beating the shallow table of the bar in the rhythm the music playing in the room had. Cat smiled at Dina, her black lipstick making her tan skin look way paler than it was. Dina tried to smile back, failing terribly as she tried so hard not to stare at Cat’s bangs almost covering her eyes. It was making her uncomfortable. “So, what are you doing here?” 

“We ain’t your surprise”, Jesse informed, turning again in the seat he was, looking at the small stage the bar had in the back, next to the bathrooms. Cat smiled again, this time a brighter smile on her face, more than a thin line. Dina took her eyes off the girl, watching as the couple singing on the stage got out and people applauded them, making room for other singers to come. 

_ Fuck,  _ Dina’s mind went blank as she watched the girl entering the stage with her guitar.  _ Is it Ellie?  _

“She’s nice. You’ll see”, Jesse said in a small voice next to her, but Dina couldn’t hear anything more than Ellie’s small sounds as she prepared herself to play and sing to everybody in the room. Dina never heard her friend’s playing, however only because Ellie used to say she was too shy to let anyone hear her singing. And now, she was going to play for everybody? Dina crossed her arms, not wanting Jesse or Cat to see her shivering, too anxious just for seeing Ellie sit in the chair and support her guitar on her lap, looking at it as she straightened the microphone on her mouth. 

The lights went off as people once again clapped, animated to see what that lanky girl had for them. Then Williams started to play the guitar with slow fingers, concentrating on a song only she listened to the next steps. 

The song was deep and it felt like it was holding something back, reminding Dina of a battleship. Had she already heard this song? She couldn’t remember, so she focused her eyes on Ellie’s fingers, working on the guitar as the girl looked at the chords. It was such a calm melody, and yet so terrifying. And then, Ellie’s voice took the final step to englobe Dina, wrapping her around the music’s magic. 

_ “ _ _ Another head hangs lowly, child is slowly taken. And the violence caused such silence, who are we mistaken?” _

_ Zombie,  _ Dina recalled the same moment, thrilled by Ellie’s choice for the music. Her voice was so powerful, full of itself, and she was still playing the guitar, her eyes open and searching for something in the audience Dina didn’t know what it was. Until the girl found it, locking eyes with their friends, magic still surrounding them. Dina’s breath was caught in her throat, her eyes could not unlock with Ellie’s, and suddenly it felt like she was falling into the deep ocean that was Ellie’s soul. 

_ “What’s in your head, in your head, zombie, zombie, zombie-ie-ie? What’s in your head” _ , she sang along her fingers, but her voice was only a whisper now Dina lost herself in Ellie’s eyes. Fuck, she was so fucked, she realized as everybody watched the auburn girl sing the most perfect song she could chose for the moment. 

Dina was so fucked, and everything because Ellie had the most beautiful and problematic eyes the brunette had ever seen. 

“Did you like it?” Jesse questioned Dina when Ellie finished the music, receiving all the applause she could ever ask for. It was almost 5 minutes of song, but fuck, it was so perfect nobody cared it took more than usual. Ellie had an angel’s voice. 

“I didn’t like it. I think our friend is an angel”, Cat answered, her black eyes following Ellie’s thin shape until the auburn girl got off the stage and came to her friends, stopping by their sides and rubbing the back of her neck. “Hey, you were amazing!” 

“Thanks”, Ellie’s eyes weren’t looking at Cat, though. They were searching for Dina’s, the brunette noticed as she observed the girl. “Uhh, did you like, Dina? I mean, Jesse asked me to play just so you, uh, could listen.” 

“Hey!” Jesse gave Ellie a little punch right on the arm, and the girl let out a dramatic ‘ouch!’, almost like she had been punched on the face. Dina chuckled at them, surprised it was Jesse who told Ellie to play in the first place. And then she was even more surprised Ellie accepted it. 

“But you were perfect there”, the brunette said, giving the younger girl a nice smile, her black eyes staring at Ellie’s shy green orbs. Dina loved the way the auburn girl’s face went red, blushing only for a compliment. She was cute, so cute Dina could probably kiss her right there, but- what the fuck was she even thinking? Ellie was her friend, it wasn’t because Dina felt something for her that Ellie would feel too. “Soooo, congratulations. Will you want something to drink? It’s on me.” 

“I’m fine”, Cat said, showing her shot’s small cup full of vodka. Jesse asked for a cold beer and Ellie said she was fine with soda, her usual drink on bars given her meds for depression and anxiety she once told them she was dealing with when she was having a panic attack in college. 

Dina got their drinks and, just a step before she was back to the bar, she heard Ellie’s laugh. She was laughing at something Jesse said, and Cat was chuckling too, but it wasn’t the fact that Ellie was  _ laughing  _ that caught Dina’s attention. She already listened to that laugh before, and she couldn’t recall a time Ellie really laughed, not only chuckling. 

If the circumstances were different, Dina would be amazed by the sound of Ellie’s laugh. But they weren’t, and Dina felt her stomach fall to her feet. Ellie’s laugh was exactly the same as the girl from behind the bar, the drugged one.  _ Bullshit,  _ Dina told herself, trying to calm down.  _ Probably this girl and Ellie just have a similar laugh, Ellie would never use drugs or whatever.  _

Yep, her brain was probably right. She was just freaking out, thus she took a cup of soda too and drank it, recovering herself and going out the kitchen, giving her friends their drinks. She tried to forget what she thought before, but time after time she would look at Ellie’s direction, still having an inner fight about Ellie probably being the drugged girl behind the bar she worked in. 


	5. that's how I find the light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for any typos and errors. And I'm sorry if it's confusing, too. I tried to make it more like Ellie's point a view, don't know if it worked haha. Hope you enjoy, anyway.
> 
> TW: mentions of rape

Nora came out the bathroom dressed in a yellow dress, her hair up in a bun. Her dark skin was glistening from the bath and smooth creams Ellie sometimes stole from her, trying to make her skin looked a little bit healthier than it was. The black girl smiled at the other, who was lying in her bed with her arms crossed, and walked to the door. 

“I’ll meet Nick now, ok? Don’t forget about your project”, she warned as walked out the room, closing the door behind her and making Ellie grunt. The pale girl exhaled, hating on her college’s projects and on herself for subscribing to the torture she knew Art college would be. Why was she so stupid when she could just work with Joel forever?  _ Don’t say that,  _ she scolded herself.  _ You know you’d kill yourself if you spent all life in Jackson.  _

She got up to her feet, glancing to the school bag she had thrown to the corner of the bedroom when she arrived from classes. Mumbling again, Ellie went to the bag and kneeled to the ground, looking for her notebook inside it, where she would find what her project was. Probably was something she liked doing, because she picked it sleepy, and she always chose the best things when she was sleepy. 

The auburn girl was almost opening the notebook on the right page the same moment she heard her cellphone ringing. Looking at it, still lost in the middle of the messy sheets, Ellie sighed. Who was calling her that hour of the day? Probably just some agency of some bullshit, she wouldn’t even pick up if it was-- 

Joel’s number was lighting on the broken screen, making her heart flutter. Why was he calling her at 4 p.m. of a Tuesday when their day of talking was Saturday? Why the fuck, was something wrong? The same instant, Ellie felt her stomach aches. What if he discovered about her meds, about her addiction? No, it was impossible. So… why was he calling? 

_ You can’t know if you don’t pick up.  _

She slipped her finger though the screen, answer his call. Putting her phone to her ear, the girl made a grimace, anxiety making her head almost explode. She would definitely need a fluoxetine after ending this call. “Hello?” 

“Kiddo!” Joel’s voice was animated, almost worried. The exact second, Ellie sighed relieved. He didn’t know about a thing, his voice would be so much more darker if he knew something.  _ Thank fuck he doesn’t know.  _ “I thought you wouldn’t pick. How you doin’?” 

“Uhh, I’m fine. And you?” She asked nervously, tipping her fingers on the border of her bed as she sat on the ground, crossing her legs. Ellie really hoped Joel would end the calling quickly, she didn’t feel in the mood to do the talking thing her adoptive father liked so much. Since they grew their relationship, Joel always asked her to tell him about everything she went through and thought. He wanted so much to be part of her life even after she left the city he was living in. 

“I’m doin’ good. How’s college?”  _ Fuck,  _ he thought, closing her eyes.  _ This is going to take some time.  _

“Fine. I was, uh, just starting my project”, she said, looking at the notebook lying on the ground, next to the open and dirty brown bag. Ellie liked that bag, she wouldn’t throw it away if it was rotten, so she kept going to class with the filthy backpack. The girl took the notebook, opening it in the last used page and checking on her project. Oh, it was just a poem she had to write. Fine, it was nothing unusual. 

“Yeah? What’s it about?” Joel’s voice was low, and he had that fatherly tone in his voice that always made it more difficult to Ellie to talk to him. It was clear for her how Joel cared about her, how he wanted her around. But she was a junkie, a stupid drugged girl. She wasn’t someone Joel would be proud to call ‘daughter’, and she didn’t earn this title. She was failing and deceiving him. 

“A poem”, she muttered, closing her eyes again and feeling tears come to them. Fuck, she couldn’t cry now, Joel would notice. “Uh, Joel?” 

“Yeah, baby girl?” 

She wanted to tell him about everything. She wanted to tell him about the drugs, about the money she was making in bars just so she could afford her new addiction. She wanted to tell him about her mother, about David, about how she was fucked so much time before he even arrived. She wanted to ask for help, she wanted him to be proud of her again with reasons. She wanted many things, but she couldn’t tell him about anything. She couldn’t find it in herself to tell anyone about anything she was feeling. 

So she did what she did the best - lied. 

“How’s your work doing? I remember you said you and Tommy were having problems…” 

“Nothin’ unusual, kiddo. Just kids playing around with us, Tommy scared them. Hope they ain’t coming back”, the man chuckled, and the girl smiled. Tears were closer now. She was willing to end the call, to tell him she would call again when she felt better because now she needed that fucking sedative drug-- where was it anyway? 

“Can I, uh, can I call you later? I’m not feeling so good”, she muttered. The same moment, she wished she could take it back, though. She didn’t want to be alone. Not as she felt like a piece of shit, because she knew she would end up crying like a newborn in the bathroom with a fresh cut on her arm. Fuck, why was she so sick? 

“What do you have? Are you eating?” Joel asked with a worried tone to his voice, and Ellie couldn’t help herself but to giggle. Eating? She couldn’t even remember the last time she ate. 

“Yeah”, the easy part was to lie. Always. “Can I go now?” The worst part was being aware there was no coming back. Once you get to the self harm arms, you can’t get off. Once you fell to the drugs’ lap, you can’t get off. Once you start hating on yourself, lost in your past and trauma, you can’t fucking get off. So she would not cry and tell Joel about all the things haunting her, and she wouldn’t make it better too. She would just do what her brain was telling her to do - cry, hurt and bleed. 

“Sure thing, kid. But call me later, ‘k?” She didn’t answer as she ended the call, letting finally the tears fall. 

There was nothing she could do to escape now. Hurting herself felt like the only thing left to do, so this was what she did. 

_ His fingers were dancing on her skin, making its way to her breasts. She felt frightened, she felt like she could start crying again at any second. Like she was a fucking ragdoll, a porcelain toy that could break at any moment. His lips were like fire on her smooth face, burning everything he touched, leaving scars and bad memories.  _

_ He stared at her with his eyes. Red eyes. Eyes of a devil.  _

_ “You’ll be forever mine.”  _

“Fuck!” Ellie sat on her bed, rubbing her eyes with strong fingers and trying to stop her cries. “Fuck, fuck, fuck”, she got up to her feet and ran to the bathroom, taking the blade from where she hide it before, when Joel called her, and rolled her sleeve up. Her arm was full of tiny scars, some still red from its freshness, reminding her of the bad moments she had at that exactly place she was then. She didn’t wait for her brain to bring up all the bad memories, she just cut flesh and skin with her blade. 

It was almost too deep. Almost. 

It ached and hurt like hell itself. Though, it made it’s work - took her mind off David. He wasn’t haunting her anymore. He wasn’t there, touching her with his filthy, disgusting hands. It was just her and her blade again, in a small white bathroom, drops of blood falling to the ground as it slipped off her pale arm. 

It was enough. She needed Manny. She needed Manny now. 

“Girl, wait. You’ll need to pay twice the price now, you know, right?” Manny’s voice was low as he showed her the pack of coke. Ellie didn’t care how much it would cost, she just needed the fucking coke. Grunted and taking the money from her back pocket, she extended it to the man, taking the pack full of coke and smelling it through the plastic. It was hallucinating. She loved it. “Ellie. This is dangerous, you know, right?” 

“Why do you even care, Manny?” It was obvious how tired she was. Her hair was oily and her skin was cracking as much as her lips. Her eyes had purple bags under them, and she was thin as fuck. She surely wasn't eating enough, and her movements reminding him of the glassy dolls his younger sister had. Manny felt like a monster, seeing what he had done to her. Ellie, the lovely and shy girl he met in a hurry when she needed him the most… Ellie, the girl in love with the moon. Ellie was dead. This girl standing in front of him, this girl was not Ellie. 

“I can’t. I won’t sell you more pills”, he announced. Ellie frowned, staring at him with curiosity and fear on her eyes. Her mouth was open, but her fingers were trembling, holding the packs of pills and cock like they were made of gold. Manny wanted to hide, to go back in the past and stop himself from selling to her the first time. 

“Why?” She mouthed more than asked, betrayal on her green eyes. 

He already had clients who succumbed to the drugs, who had overdoses and one who even died, but somehow with Ellie was different.  _ She  _ was different from the others. Manny didn’t know about her whole story, however he knew enough. She needed someone to be by her side, and not drugs. She was a victim, not a fucked who made shitty things and ran to him like the cowards they were. 

“I won’t sell you anything, Ellie. I won’t kill you.” 

“You already did.” This was her last answer to him. Manny wouldn’t be there to see her lose herself, but he was a coward too, so he only took her money and ran away like the rat he was. 

Ellie painted, falling to the ground as she felt anxiety attack her chest again. She put a hand on it, trying to calm herself down, nevertheless it was hard, hard like nothing else ever was.  _ Breathe, Ellie. Breathe. You can find another seller, you won’t die because Manny let it go. You won’t die.  _ The girl hide the pack of pills in the pocket of the flannel she was using, suddenly feeling cold. It was drizzling, and the winds were cruel. Looking at the pack of coke on her hands, she knew the only thing she had left to do, the last thing that would make things better again. 

_ I hate you, Manny. For leaving me. I hate you, David. For making me this shitty person I am. And I hate you, Ellie. For allowing it to happen.  _


	6. I'd be smart to walk away, but you're quicksand

Dina was done with her mother and stepfather's bullshit. She needed a new house, and she needed it for  _ now.  _ How was she supposed to study if they would argue the whole damn day? She needed peace, and her mother promised her she would find it at home if she stayed in Boston for college. Trying seriously to concentrate on the book in front of her, Dina knew her mother Maya could not give what she promised. 

"Hey, where are you going?" The woman asked when she saw the girl running down the stairs of their american styled house, tears rolling off her eyes as she smiled, trying to make herself more presentable. 

"To the coffee. I need to concentrate for my exams", the daughter answered without hesitating. She didn't want Maya to feel guilty for arguing with Stevan when he was the person with the most problems, but she needed to let her mother know she wasn't ok with the fact her mother lied about giving her peace. 

"Oh. I", the woman gasped, looking back at the kitchen, probably where Stevan still was, crying his eyes out. "I'm sorry, darling. I didn't know things would be so difficult this year." 

Dina instantly felt her heart a little bit lighter. Her mother was sorry, after all. She was sorry she didn't allow Dina to go living with Talia in New Mexico, where their father's family was living. And the girl really didn't want to feel bad at herself for hoping that her mom would see the distress in her eye, but fuck-- seeing Maya here, smiling with watery eyes was making her heart break into million pieces. 

"It's okay, mom. I just need to focus, that's it." She lied, her mind still thinking about the why her parents were screaming this time. Stevan was a difficult man, always drinking and smoking and reminding her so much of her own dad, however her mom wasn't an easy person, too. Maya sometimes searched for reasons to fight, and she was simply exhausting most times. 

"Sure thing", the eldest crossed her arms, nodding and waving as Dina catched her backpack on the ground of the hall and got out the house, her heart beating fast. Outside, feeling a cold breeze touch her face and compass her frame, the brunette laid her head against the door. 

_ Fuck, why did I had to stay?  _

The library was a quiet place, but the coffee was quieter. The coffee was the nice place where Abby and Jesse worked, and Dina even thought of working there too when she started college, but the schedule didn't match hers, so she stayed at the bar. Still, she would always come to the place to talk to her friends and study when her home started feeling too heavy. 

Seth was the owner of the coffee shop, an old man with ugly and hateful eyes, always looking at the teenagers like he disapproved of their clothes and behaviour. Dina would never confess, but one of the reasons she stayed out of the shop was Seth's intolerant comments. She was really grateful he wasn't there the most time she went by, but of course this time he was the waiter behind the balcony. 

"Hello, mrs. Caradonna. How are you going today?" He inquired with a smile, trying to make small talk and maybe own a tip too. Dina wasn't feeling very generous, though. 

"Hey, Seth. May I have an americano, please?" She ignored his questions about how her day was, because she didn't think it was his business anyway and because she didn't want to think about her mother's second marriage going down the drain. Maya's first marriage was an unhappy, sad relationship. Dina and Talia's father used to be a lovely person, friendly father and attentious husband. Still, when he lost his job due to complications, he started doing drugs, all of it secretly. He did it for 3 months before all went wrong, almost failing the family and giving his wife bills to pay. 

He had an overdose when Dina was 9. She remembered being the one who found his body laying on the ground of his room, and thinking he was only sleeping. 

She hated him for it, she hated him for destroying his family when he had everything he needed right there. 

"Your americano", Abby handed Dina her coffee 2 minutes later, when the smallest had already paid and was waiting in the other corner of the room, where the coffees were handed to their owners. Abby was with the usual smile on her face, angel kissed face. Sometimes, Dina wondered what would happen if she fell in love with Abby - a thing that already crossed her times 2 or 3 times before. But she wouldn't fall for the blonde, not when she was starting to overcome Jesse and hers relationship, and, uh, Ellie's presence was so heavy. 

Not that she had fallen for Ellie. But it felt right, somehow. 

"Thanks, Abby. Are you studying for your exams?" Dina tried to make small talk for some time before Abby said she needed to go back with her arrogant-like-smile. If someone didn't know her, they would take all her strong frame and cocked brows as a dumbass person, but her friends knew how soft-hearted Abby could be. 

Dina then came back to her table, opening her book on the page she stopped back at home, nevertheless her mind flew away the first moment it could. 

Her father could be someone she hated for being an asshole and killing himself by the drugs, still Dina loved him. And she would never stop loving him, even with all his flaws. She cared for him, whenever he was, and prayed for him every night as she went to sleep. His soul would be free from the addiction, and she would meet him when her time came too. Get to know him again. 

But she wasn't entirely thinking only about her dad. Her memory was often reminding her of Ellie's laugh and how it sounded like the junkie girl's. Making her question if Ellie wasn't addicted too. Obviously she preferred to think she wasn't - her friends, the person she was  _ almost  _ in love with, couldn't be addicted. Still, Ellie was overly thin these days, and her eyes felt puffy and restless, forcing Dina to believe she wasn't sleeping at night.  _ Though it could be anything. Don't you remember she is depressed and anxious? It could be just her symptoms.  _

With a frown on her brow and the pencil tipping her bottom lip, Dina stared at the ceiling, promising herself she would investigate it. That night, when she got to work, she would go to the junkie and stare at her. 

She would prove herself the drugged one wasn't the girl who stole her heart. 

Dina’s stomach dropped. Watching the scene she hoped the most wouldn’t be real, the jew girl was feeling ashamed as if she did something bad, and she hated herself for it. The moon above her head gave the alley the light it needed, not more than enough for her to see what she feared - the girl groaning on the ground, kneeled and cold, almost like a beast. 

_ No, not you. Please.  _

But it already was the truth, and nothing could make it unreal. 

Ellie’s eyes were puffy and red, however she was only staring at the ground, and Dina was too shocked to even react as her brain was still processing what she was seeing. Ellie. Ellie was the drugged girl behind the Moon Flower, what Dina suspected for the day. Time enough to make her feel sick to the stomach, though not time enough to make her believe in her theories before everything went through the air. 

“Ellie?” She already knew the girl was her friend, but fuck-- she really hoped the girl was just a doppelganger or something of Ellie. Maybe a lost twin sister, who knows? 

“What do you want?” The girl grabbed her own chest, her voice hoarse as she tried to get to her feet again. She failed, though, falling to the ground again and taking Dina out of her thoughts. “Don’t touch me!” She screamed as the older tried to help her stabilize. 

“I won’t hurt you, Ellie. It’s me, Dina”, her own voice was low, too damaged to say anything out loud.  _ Why? Why me again?  _

“Dina?” Ellie’s face started to get red, and the brunette helped her to her feet, being allowed to touch her.  _ How did she get to this state? I’ve never seen her in such a chaos before.  _ Realization got her that moment, leaving a mess behind - it meant Dina had been seeing Ellie, her friend of university, for sometime. It meant she wished  _ Ellie,  _ the guitar player, freckled face and funny girl would feel ashamed of herself for being a junkie. It meant her friend was hiding from her other friends drugs somewhere, and it meant she was killing herself. 

“Fuck.” Dina let go of Ellie a moment later she got up, rubbing her hands on her jeans. The girl wasn’t ok, nearly falling again as she supported herself on the humid wall next to her. The alley was desert, and only the two girls were there - staring at each other in disbelief. Dina suddenly felt her heart skip a beat, anger filling her veins and blinding her. “Ellie, what the fuck?!” 

“Don’t tell anyone”, Ellie said, more commanding than asking. That surely made Dina feel more sad at her. Ellie was letting her down, and fuck, how she wished she wasn’t falling for  _ this  _ girl. “Dina. Don’t tell anyone about this.” 

“I won’t let you kill yourself”, Dina affirmed, certain of what she had to do. Even there, drugged and staring at the brunette with empty eyes like a ragdoll, Ellie was beautiful. More than beautiful, she was  _ infuriating.  _ She made Dina want to run down the streets naked as pouring rain fell over her head. Or climb the highest mountain she ever saw. Ellie was such an unique personality, and Dina was sad to know she was slowly digging up the grave her lifeless body would lay at someday. “El, I won’t let you do this to yourself.” 

“It’s too late”, her face was twisted in a depressed expression, and Dina put her hands on it, pulling her closer. That exact moment, rain started falling from the skies, wetting the girls and mixing Ellie’s tears with raindrops. “It’s too late, Dina. I’m sorry.” 

“No, don’t say that, El. It’s not too late, you’re fine. We’re ok, I will, I will get you home, ok?” Dina cupped her friend’s face with delicate hands, staring at the greenest eyes she had ever seen. That feeling of doing impossible things came back as strong as the wave of sadness hit her, making Dina let her own tears roll down. 

“No! No, Dina. I can’t go home”, the redhead threw herself back, bumping her ass on the ground and shaking her head. “They’ll know. They’ll know.” 

“They need to know, El.” This argument was a lost one; Dina knew Ellie would never give away the secret of her drugs, but the brunette was the one in power now. She could just call Jesse at any time and tell him to come pick Ellie up and get her to the hospital. “Ellie.” 

Ellie was dragging herself to the darker exit of the alley, even if it cost her to walk much more to get home. Dina knew she was trying to get away from her, trying to get out silently. The tallest shrieked when she heard her name being called. 

“Please, Dina. Please, don’t do this. I can’t.” 

“Ellie. I promise I won’t call anyone, but we are going to the hospital.” This was her only request, still Ellie was looking at her like she was crazy. Dina frowned her brows, stepping closer, but the girl took a step back, showing her hand as if trying to calm an angry animal. Dina’s heart felt heavy. Heavier than ever before, because Ellie’s eyes were full of fear. Her face was twisted in a sad grimace, her lips cracking and her hair falling on her shoulders from her bun. Her right hand was still gripping her chest, supposing to Dina - and making her even more worried - it was hurting. Her legs were trembling. Her state was worrying. 

And then a lighting crossed the sky, the thunder startling Dina and making her turn herself to look at the balck sky behind her. When she came to look at Ellie again, she was gone. 


	7. who the fuck wants to die alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY ONE MONTH, HOLDING ON FOR TONIGHT! I really like writing this story, so it was a shock for me when I first posted it here and didn't give up. Thank y'all for making it possible. Love you all!

Ellie’s head had been spinning since she woke up. She was tired too, tired in a way she never felt before, as if her soul had been drained from her body and the only thing left was a carcase. Her ears were ringing, and she listened to nothing and everything at the same time as she dragged herself to the hall of the hostel, searching for her key in the key holder next to the principal door - a way Marlene found to control who was inside the house and who was not. 

“Jeez, Williams. You look like a zombie”, the auburn turned her head as she heard someone calling for her. Jordan, a tall and slim guy, was standing at the last step of the stair, his arms crossed and a disgusting smile on his young face. Ellie rolled her eyes at him, taking her keys and hiding them inside her hoodie centered pocket. Jordan and Ellie didn’t have the best historic; their first meeting ended with the girl punching the boy’s face, and everything went down the drain after that. They could live at the same house, but they hated each other with their full strength. “Have you been getting some sleep or your momma’s been messing with your head again?” 

Ellie could leave it behind, but not after he said that. The girl closed her hands in tight fists, furrowing her brows while spinning on her feet, looking at him with unbelievable eyes. “What the fuck did you just said?” 

Jordan took a step back when Ellie jumped on him, but he kept the smile on his face. 

“Hey, hey!” Jesse’s voice got to Williams before she could even see him, although suddenly he was there, taller and with larger shoulders than her, blocking her from punching Jordan again. Jesse looked curious and angry at the same time, glaring at the bastard messing with his friend. “Jordan, get the fuck out of here. Now”, the asian-featured man said, and Jordan obeyed, even if he was still laughing as he got up the stairs again. 

“I fucking hate this bastard”, Ellie muttered to herself, her eyes never leaving the boy until he disappeared of her vision. 

“Yeah, me too.” Jesse closed his arms, his hands coming to rest on his friend’s shoulders. "Let's go. We’ve got a long day ahead, don’t let this asshole get you down.” 

“Y’know he could never”, Ellie lied easily. She kept saying to the others she was fine whenever her mother was the topic, whenever her past was the topic, but she wasn’t fine at all. She was dying inside. Her head kept buzzing and her heart kept sinking. She was lost within her thoughts, and her mother didn’t need to be brought up for her to feel sad. Still, she would never say anything to the others, it wasn’t right to have them worrying about her, so she kept lying. “You know he could never.” 

Ellie knew something was wrong. She didn't know what, still she could feel a darker atmosphere lingering in the air as she walked inside D&D, the diner where she had lunch everyday she wouldn't come back to the hostel. Jesse was sitting with Dina, and Cat was coming to the restaurant a little bit late, but the air was awkward even without the japanese girl there. That was new. 

Ellie sat in front of Dina, side by side with Jesse, and crossed her arms as she looked the other way. Inside her head, a war was going on, because the auburn girl couldn't remember anything at all of the last night. She recalled going to the alley where Manny gave her the pills and bags with coke and other drugs, yet she couldn't remember coming back home. She could only breathe in relief, to know she got home - but at what cost? Did anyone know about her addiction now? 

"Why are you two so quiet?" Jesse asked, taking Ellie off her thoughts. She hadn't even noticed Dina wasn't talking either, and the jewish girl was talkative as fuck. Dina used to talk for the two of them, and Ellie was fine with it. To see Dina quiet was something the freckled never expected. 

"Uhh, I don't know", Williams tried to talk off, rubbing the back of her neck. Something was  _ really  _ strange - Dina wouldn't stop staring at her. It was awkward. It was weird. "What will you guys have for lunch?" 

Dina didn't answer. Instead, her eyes got even more focused on Ellie's. Ok, she was freaking the younger girl out. Ellie wouldn't mind the strange atmosphere as she was used to it back to the days she lived with Joel or when she dated Cat, however something sparkled inside her mind. Realization made her stop. Dina worked in a bar. Dina worked in the Moon Flower bar, the bar where Ellie did drugs behind. The girl widened her eyes as fear began to spread inside her chest. How possible was to have Dina knowing about her little secret? 

"Uh, I'll go to the bathroom. Be back in a few minutes", the younger girl said suddenly, her hands closed in tight fists, her nails ripping off the skin of her palms as she tried desperately to calm herself down. It was ok, Dina did not know. Probably it was just because… she didn't know. Dina was an easy person, the type of person who'll talk until they feel safe and okay again, the type of girl who tries to make you feel better by standing by your side every time you need someone. So it was disturbing, to say the least. Dina wasn't like that. She knew, didn't she? 

Ellie locked herself in a cabin, trying to breathe. She didn't need a fucking panic attack, not there in the middle of D&D's bathroom and not then, when things felt like slipping out of her hands. The girl sat at the ground, not caring about how dirty the floor of a bathroom could be as she felt like dying within seconds. She knew what to do when panic attacks came to her, yet making her brain function was harder than anything else, so she just brought her hands up to her chest and did what Joel taught her - the butterfly hug. 

Typing her fingers against her chest could be something that seemed useless at first sight, but it helped. It helped, and it made things a little bit easier as she didn't feel like having a heart attack or dying without reasons out of nowhere. She was ok. No one was going to hurt her, no one was a threat. Her mom was dead. David was far away. She was safe, surrounded by her friends and people who cared about her. Yep, she was fine. 

"Ellie?" A soft voice startled her. It was Dina. Ellie got up to her feet, smoothing her black leggings and trying to get it a little bit cleaner after she simply sat at the filthy floor. Dina was outside the door, and Ellie could almost see her propped at the wall, trying to talk to her friend and get closer to her. "Ellie." 

"Hey", she said in a small voice. She could be not having a panic attack, but she was still afraid. If Dina really knew, how much did she know? Had she talked to anyone about it? 

"Ellie. We gotta talk", it gave everything away. Ellie closed her eyes, hugging herself as she stood up to her feet, cantilevered to the wall Dina was either. Tears were coming to her eyes, and she was feeling sad. Betrayed. Betrayed by herself. 

"What do you know?" Ellie asked hoarsely, trying not to let the older girl know about her cries. A tear rolled down her face, falling from her chin to her hands, up to her chest. She was sad. 

"I know enough, Ellie." Dina's voice had a tone of understanding, and it made Ellie angrier than she ever thought she could be. Understanding? The fuck Dina understood? "I know--" 

"You know nothing", she heard coming from her mouth before she could even try to prevent it from escaping her lips. "You know shit about me, Dina." 

Dina was silent for a few seconds, and Ellie really thanked her for it. She wished the girl would just leave, would just go on with her life, not needing to be Ellie's nanny. Nevertheless she knew the smaller. She knew she would never let Ellie be without fighting and trying to help. 

_ Why, of everybody, Dina?  _

"Ellie", she began, and the auburn girl got her hands on her head, trying to punish herself by grabbing her own hair. She didn't need Dina's pity. She didn't need any fucking help, because she didn't want to be helped. She wanted to go on with her life until the moment she had a fucking seizure, heart attack or overdose and died, leaving everyone dissapointed at her, but ha what do you expect of a girl as fucked in the head as her? "I know you were hurt. I know you're doing it to feel like--"

"No", she stopped Dina's words. Fury was blinding her. Dina didn't know, didn't understand half of the things Ellie had suffered. She didn't lose her mother. She wasn't raped. She didn't grow up in an abusive house. Fuck, Dina knew nothing, so why the fuck was she trying to help Ellie? "No, Dina. You wouldn't understand, you'll never understand. So don't try to help." 

"This is not fine, El. You can't do this to yourself." 

"I'm not doing anything!" Ellie yelled, louder than expected. "I'm finishing the work they started!" 

"Talk to me, El. Please", Dina's voice was choked up. She had tears in her eyes too, but Ellie couldn't see her, and she thanked it. She knew it was a battle lost - so she thanked Ellie wasn't looking at her soul with stoned eyes. It was a lost battle, she decided, but that wouldn't prevent her from fighting. Not when she cared so much about her friend. 

"I won't talk to you. I don't know why you care", Ellie's voice was small, low. She was like a lonely wolf trying to live in a pack. She didn't belong. She had to live her life alone, only she and herself to make her own decisions. She wants to have drugs? She does. No one would be crying to her about it. 

"I care because you're my friend!" Dina tried again. 

"Am I?" She asked suddenly. "You're friends with everybody. I'm not your friend", Ellie didn't mean her words. She liked Dina. She liked being friends with Dina. They  _ were  _ friends, so she didn't understand why she was saying those horrible things, but she couldn't take it back. And she wouldn't take it back. She had to make a choice, and she had it done. She wouldn't give herself out to have Dina. 

"What are you saying? El, I'm--"

"Go away, Dina. I don't want you close", Ellie was emotionless. She felt as if her heart had been ripped off her chest, and now it was only a bloody hole in her soul. She was scared. She was so fucking scared. Why wasn't she feeling anything? Why was she being a bitch to Dina and wasn't feeling sorry? 

"Ellie, please, we can talk about it and make everything better!"

"Are you deaf? I don't want you to be close to me nevermore! You don't know shit about life, Dina. You won't ever understand what I've been through, this war", Ellie opened the door with quick hands, and Dina was there. She was there, tears falling down her face out of control, and it didn't make Ellie stop. It didn't make her heart sink. It didn't change anything, to her horror. "This war, Dina, is not yours." 

She didn't wait for her friend to say anything, she just left the bathroom and the diner, ignoring Jesse's face as he saw her walking away from the restaurant without giving him a word. Ellie was lost inside her mind, and she was afraid no one could bring her back to the light. 

She had been a long time in the dark. She wasn't ever going to be herself again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you guys seen this will be a series?? Did you like the news?


	8. I don't care if you don't understand why I cry

Dina was mad. No, not only mad, she was  _ outraged.  _ How could she be so stupid, how could she do something to someone so ungrateful, someone who would just push her down and say they didn't need her friendship and didn't want her around as she tried to, for fuck's sake, help? The girl swallowed drily, refusing to let more tears come off her eyes and roll down her face. If Ellie was ungrateful enough to push her away, to say she didn't want Dina next to her anymore, the raven-haired wouldn't stick around. She would not stay where she wasn't welcome, so she ran her hands on her hair and, putting them up in a messy bun, she washed her face in the sink. 

She knew Jesse would ask. He would ask why Ellie was gone and why she had been crying, and Dina didn't want to tell her friend about her feelings -  _ feelings? She fucking adored Ellie!  _ \- towards the Art student, thus she only washed her face and pulled up a smile, walking off the bathroom as if nothing ever happened. 

It took Jesse more than 4 days to notice Dina and Ellie weren't talking at all. When he first asked about Williams to Caradonna, the brunette said she hadn't heard about Ellie since last Wednesday. Jesse could be curious, but he was respectful. He was aware that his best friend didn't want to talk about Ellie, so he wouldn't ask again, not that day, at least. 

The second time he asked, they were in the parking lot of the college, sitting in the grass and looking at the skies as Dina's colleagues of Nursery were there too. Jesse was a Law's student, and most of the girls had a crush on him, though it was obvious he had eyes only for Dina - even after she turned him down. The young woman didn't answer why she wasn't talking to Ellie that time, just saying she wasn't sure what her relationship with the auburn was anymore. Still friends? No, Ellie said they weren't friends. Enemies? No, they didn't hate each other enough for this. Maybe… just numb towards one another. Yep, that fit. It made Dina sick, to know she was  _ numb  _ about someone she once loved so much.

The third time he asked, the brunette felt like in an alley with big walls on her both sides. Nowhere to go. The comparison made her mad, as she remembered the alley behind her work and Ellie standing there, alone and soaked by the rain, drugged like a rat. Still, she had to give Jesse an answer. He probably was feeling stressed about their fight, as Ellie wasn't lunching with them anymore, and Jesse still was her friend. Dina wouldn't take him away from her, even if she was selfish and was killing herself. As an almost nurse, Dina could say Ellie had barely begun doing drugs, however she could tell by the cracked lips and pale skin and thinness that Ellie was doing the heavy ones. Nothing good would come out of it, and if the girl refused help, who would try to help her? 

_ Not me. I can't do this again,  _ Dina thought to herself as she tried hard not to recall her dad's smile. 

"D? Can you tell me why you are ignoring Ellie?" Jesse's voice brought her back to reality. They were sitting in the library, studying for their exams the week after that, since Dina couldn't concentrate at home and Jesse wanted to help. 

_ Help.  _ Dina shrugged, shaking her head slowly as she tried to forget Ellie's sharp words. 

"Um, I guess i can't keep you from knowing anymore", the raven-haired played with a strain of hair while talking to the boy she called friend and date sometimes. 

"Knowing what?" Jesse crossed his arms on his chest, looking at the girl with distressed eyes. "I can say you're keeping distance, but why? Ellie won't talk to me either." 

Dina scratched her arms, looking at the ceiling of the library and doing everything to focus her mind on other things than her dad. More than anything else in her life, she wanted to help Ellie. Be there for her, try to convince her the drugs weren't the way. She wanted, she could swear she wanted. For her father - no parents, no children, no siblings deserve to see their loved one destroy themselves. 

But at what cost? Dina could only help Ellie if it meant destroying herself even more. Still, first she was willing to do that… until the auburn girl tore it all up. Dina didn't need to be shouted at and pushed away to know people sometimes didn't want her help. 

"We fought", she blurted out. It was easier than keeping to herself or talking slowly, as it would end the same if she just gave it away with no struggle. "Ellie said she didn't want me in her life anymore, so I won't be there to her too." 

"Shit, Dina", Jesse had wide eyes. He ran his fingers through his hair, trying to think as he was given the news of his two best friends becoming nothing more than disinclined people towards each other. "That's sick. Do you want to talk about what happened?" 

"Not really", and she truly didn't. Talking about their fight meant talking about her father, and it meant exposing both her feelings for Ellie and the girl's addiction. Dina was aware drugs weren't something easy to deal with, and the consequences would be devastating, but fuck-- she didn't know what to do. She didn't want to have another person she loved dead by drugs, however was it her place to talk about? How could Jesse help her when Ellie pushed Dina away for doing the same? "It's okay, I swear." 

"I don't know if I believe you. You're not telling me something, I can feel it." Jesse's eyes were glued to the girl like magnets to a field. Jesse was one of her best friends, one of the reasons she stayed in Boston when her mother asked her; he could read her soul. He knew when something wasn't ok at all with her. 

"If I'm not telling you, should you be asking?" Dina didn't mean it, though she was so stressed with all the thoughts she was just throwing her pain at him. 

"Woah, it's okay, D. I'm not asking because I want to make rumors or anything, I'm asking because I care about you two." 

"I know. I'm sorry. I just… I don't wanna talk about it", Dina shook her head, closing her eyes as she felt her heart hurt. She wished someone could help Ellie, because she didn't deserve to end up like Dina's father. No one deserves it, but Ellie… fuck. "I need to focus on my exams." She decided to ignore it. At least for a while, since she had a life too. 

"If you feel comfortable enough for talking, you can always count on me, ok?" 

"Yeah, I know. Thank you." Dina gave him a weak smile and turned back to face her notebooks, trying hard not to think about all the damage drugs could do to people who used and the ones around them. 

Dina's house wasn't big, still it wasn't small either. It had 3 bedrooms and enough rooms for her mother to be fine, so their house had a nice size. By the insides, it was a typical latino house - vibrant colors and a lot of pictures in the walls. When she was younger, Dina used to look at them every night before going to bed, wishing her family was still the same from the day she was born. 

Dina loved her stepfather but she would never love him as one day she loved her own dad, the man with the warmest hug she would ever know and the kindest smile she would ever see. Dina loved her stepfather, she swear she did, however the raven-haired didn't have reasons enough to stick around him when her mom was breaking up with him. 

_ After I don't know, almost 10 years together.  _ Dina could still hear him like the very first time, when she was 10, hiding behind her mom's legs as she watched the tall and blonde man smile at her.  _ He doesn't remind me of daddy,  _ she thought. That was a thought she would never forget, as it never changed. 

"Dina?" Her mother's voice came from behind her. The girl capsized over her feet, clapping her hands together as she tried to ignore the fact her mother caught her staring at one of her father's pictures. "Hey, baby, we haven't talked in a while." 

"Hey, mom", she didn't want to talk to her mother. Not when she was having so many problems herself. She missed Talia, because Talia always helped her when she needed it, and she always had the best support and advice to give about anything at all, even things she didn't understand.  _ I'll call her later,  _ she promised to herself as her mom, Maya, came closer to her. 

Maya once was a pretty young woman, as pretty as her daughters were. She had a small nose and full red lips, wide eyes that seemed like melted gold. Now, though, after losing her husband to the drugs and getting a divorce, Maya was old. Older than she should look like. 

Dina didn't blame her. She was stressed out about everything too. 

So she should just turn around and go back to her room, to her books and to her exams, nevertheless it escaped her lips before she could even try to stop herself: 

"Mom, do you miss dad?" 

It made Maya's stressed eyes change their sparkle. Suddenly, it was like she was lost inside her own mind, lost in time, in a sanctuary nobody could get her off. It made Dina frown her brows in expectation. 

"Everyday, Dina. You papa… he was everything I loved the most back then." 

"Why…", her voice wasn't helping, but she needed to ask anyway. "Why did he…?" 

Maya stopped for a second, almost not breathing as she ran her hands on her pants, trying to get them a little bit warmer. It was cold outside, something strange for a spring - but the climate had been weird for a long time then. Dina liked that way, though, it made her feel like the skies were mirroring her feelings. If she was happy, there would be sun. If she was sad, it would rain all day. 

Maya opened her mouth, however she closed it almost a second later. She did it more 3 times, as if she was a fish gasping for air. Dina only stared at her mother, confused. 

"He didn't know he had the amount of love necessary to keep himself from doing it." 

That wasn't the answer Dina wanted, she noticed. She wanted her mother to insult her father. She wanted her to say he was unhappy, he was ungrateful and an asshole for doing it, but she also knew it wasn't the truth. Her father did what he did because he didn't know, he didn't  _ see  _ he was loved. Dina blamed herself for not being able to show him it. 

"I miss him", she mumbled. She really did. She wished she could hug her father at least one more time, smell him and see his smile. She missed him with her whole body, not only her heart. 

Maya pulled her to a hug, a comfortable and sad hug. 

"I know, baby. I miss him too." 

_ There's a thing I can do to honor him,  _ the thought crossed her mind as she hugged her mother back.  _ There's Ellie. I can help her, can't I?  _

Dina knew she could. She just wished she would find the ways of doing it without drowning herself in an ocean of confusion and pain one more time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy xmas, everyone. I hope we get to meet again before new year's day, but if it doesn't happen, good new year's day too!

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments/feedback are always welcome!


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